Write something like this..
I'm a blah yearold blah. I live in blah. I like blah. I hate bla blabla. :P
write a short biogrphy here..
put your wishlist here.. :)
hai hai. today trapped at home again. originally got date with mei shan and that j girl. then meishan put me airplane to go out with her whatever but i dont blame her lah.
then that j girl says it's off. obvious she's sian liao. then i rot at home today. heng heng got my kid friend to call me down to his house to play ps. then still like real sian. told meiwah and she like ke lian wo and told william to play pool with me tommorrow. played metal slug x, crash team racing and almost rampage 2.
i like rampage, it's a nice game. can eat people, destroy buildings, eat cars, catch airplanes, mutate to a flying giant who spit flames, and get points for grabbing people out of their bathroom with them on their toilets seats.. can climb building like king kong somemore. so fun can! haha, i'm losing it.
like shit like this! pity me? as if i need.
but then i'll go. dont wasted a chance to play pool ma.
wahahahahaha.
posted @ 10:17 PM
today's the same, trapped at home coz no one called me out. cant be i go out alone to watch movie right? joey also threw me away, went to find job with jie ying. so ke lian can?! -humph-
hai hai, still cant find that crook. didn't have her contact number and all those things. i missed the time where she was around. [not say she dead liao lah, but...] she would never fail to find out how i felt. (she knows how to read emotions through eyes) and she would never fail to enthrall me with playful side. i haven see her another personality though. [gemini have two distinct character and it's true from what i see].
wished i can go town with her like we used to with her friends...
posted @ 11:19 AM
yeah! almost recover liao. just now measure only like 37.1°c. good thing i did or else i cant go work today. my parents are like totally hectic bout it.
later need to reach suntec marche there by 4. going for waiter training today. wenkai they all say until like this job is really hard. dont know lah.
yesterday received a message from joey, saying she saw sophia at mad monk and even got a hug from her and also her number. peh chek can! if only i'm sick. i maybe can get a glance of her. mei shan too. also want to suan me. saying she got to touch her face :(
dont know why after reading a message from mei shan, my mood got pulled down. disappointment, i should say, filled me. she said something like she ysterday saw juli at MM and juli seems to be very drank. and was with joey. what's more is that she got so drank that she fell down on the floor a few times. and that she changed a lot.
it's... it's just disappointing to hear that. juli, so small go clubbing. changed a lot and even got real intoxicated. how can someone i knew changed so much and become so twisted? why? why?! -slamming his arms on the table yelling out-
helplessness replace that disappointment to dominate. over sheryl's smoking matter, other people's self abuse things, he would feel some damn useless that he can't really do anything to help. and hate himself for it.
damn it! damn it! damn it! why is this happening? i wished i could knock my head against the wall, die and dont see all these things happening to my friends. it's just painful. really painful. painful...
posted @ 2:32 PM
initial fever=>39.3. current fever=>37.8°c. condition, throat infection+flu+headache.
it's really rare to find me ill, if you all know me well enough lah. still remember what i'd use to do. moan, groan, make noise just to seek attention. sometime even to the extent of exaggerating my condition.
but i know, each time i does it, i'd despice myself more, dislike too. even if the attention is given.
now, it's different. i'd wish to do none of this no more. even if this headache is really menacing.
so hungry can! i searched the whole house for anything edible. but it seems that none is avaliable.
posted @ 6:18 PM
nothing much in life life would stress me to the point of totally brooding over it.
it's either relationship matters or friendship ones.
and i guess i stressed myself too much today. guess i still liked school days and exams more.
guess i still liked one on one dates more. can give all the attention to that person. haha.
guess sheila still have her enlightening abilities there. haha. ok now lah.
posted @ 11:00 PM
What rating is your journal? brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 10:24 PM
camay said she read my blog and the dream thing too.
and mentioned that it's better to keep it to myself.
but to me, blog is the only somewhere where i can reveal part of me. the
dark side.
posted @ 9:41 PM
to think yesterday i spent more than just a few hours to do the cookies. like whole afternoon and night can?
and so, she refused receiving it.
so, she wanna play it this way is it? still clinging on to that last piece of pride. even when i left all of mine down.
if that's the way she wants it, i have nothing to say.
if i say i wont get angry, i'm lying but if i say i wont grieve over it, it's true.
still rememeber the last time when rage totally over come me. it was when i'm much younger.
still can taste the lust for power, revenge and
blood. people may say i'm weird but i rather liked it then, desired it and want it. but long ago, i have got it under control.
and it seems like she's testing the limit of that control.
to be truthful, i never liked conflict but the taste of blood seems almost so nice, so dark.
ok, i'm losing it.
all of you witness it! haha, i'm losing it. nah, not really lah, just a bit jumpy.
posted @ 9:36 PM
Senko - "Wizard Child; Hermit Child"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net
What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 10:28 AM
today did nothing, rot at home, with the unproductive feeling that i hate.
it's taking a toil and i feel so lost, just as ever.
felt sick. feel hungry and cold.
ate something, but felt more like puking with every bite. dizzy with every vibe my emotional field detect.
guess this is what you call a somewhere near the zenith of feeling sick of living.
wish i could just leave this world without a noise, a notice.
and go to the fantasy i longed for, yearned for.
somewhere where i'm appreciated, accepted, wanted.
somewhere where healing takes place, somewhere where love is found.
and somewhere where i can run into her arms and weep and cry. [to allow her gently heal me]
i know it sounds irresponsible... and selfish too... but it felt i'm strangled of my life, gasping for air and blacking out.
thought i would have knew depression well and it never last more than three days without intervals. guess i'm wrong.
posted @ 10:58 PM
why is it i felt and thoughts swarmed with each moment alone but when i'm at this 12 inch monitor, i felt repressed. emotions surpress by other feelings and thoughts blocked. it's as if i want to say of what i feel but, yet, cant express of it.
so restricted.
so repressed.
adding pressure to my chest, my emotional life. bit by bit, speck by speck.
it's as if i were so obstacle. a giant one. so far in life, i only managed to leap over a few. but they seems to recurr with each passing second.
dont understand why this would happen to me in this part of my life...
posted @ 10:32 PM
in front of the keyboard and i have nothing to type. it's quite sometime since it all occur.
dont know why i would shed some much tears. this time round should i blame her or blame myself? should be myself... i guess i'm the root of all related problems. it's all my fault.
if only i had more self-esteem, this won't have happen.
if only i'm feelingless, nothing would have been caused.
if only, if only...
i don't know how to describe no more, of what happend today. i dont feel numb. wish i would. just really emotionally tied up...
desire to feel no more, be a guy with a cold steel heart and close my eyes to every happenings around me. hear nothing, no sympathies, no sadness. just shut out and sense none of these no more.
thoughts messed but still pushing on... dont wish to type any more. just want to curl up in a corner. a dark corner by myself...
posted @ 11:26 PM
guess today i'm feeling rather melancholy and confused mainly because of a partly erotic, partly crestfallen dream i had last night. {note==> anything beyond this may seem decadent but it's my dream and i wont deny it}
i would remember that before i went to bed, joey said i would have dreams. and i did!
i recalled in the dream, everything felt so real and clear. [except that my memory betrayed me] the first scence was like in a place and everyone is celebrating but i didn't know for why everyone is doing it. then alot of things happened that happen in a huge party.
and the next scence was, i remembered clearly, at my sis's room. it seems like my sis room but the door became shutters and the room is much more neater. only the bed remained. the room was all dark with the lights out, leaving only the light from the living room shining in. then sheryl [or was it other girl. i didn't remember much but it did felt like sheryl] was on my sis's bed and she laid there in a rather... enticing pose. lifted her head to look at me. and there was a... sensual look in her eyes. (oh man, this really is far too mature for me to describe.) (no offences man. but it's what my dreams told me...) then she... seductively waved me over to like initial something feral or should i say something primative. primative instinct.
then it's like i bent down and the next moment, we're both in the bed, lc-ing (but clothes are still on. don't think too much). it became more and more intense. i meant the kissing and it's like some much that i can't take it.
next thing i knew was my dad bursting in, questioning us of our behaviour.
following week or is it what i thought as a subsequent week in the dream, i went to find her. this time round she gave me the cold shoulder for like no apparent reason. and seems rather disinterested in everything with me. doubling of what she did to me in reality, ignoring me like i was translucent. even as i approached her, she just walked away (we were in some place like a mall lah).
it's worst then in the doldrum then. and of all, she was with ken all the time. then i woke up.
i guess the dream had more of the depressing stuffs than my brain can hold. after i woke up, i was like in a daze. partly from the arousing part and partly from the other part...
after that in school, i told joey bout it and she was like poking fun at me. she also had similiarly sensual dream though.
posted @ 12:08 AM
then after that fight, i went out. hanged out studying alone for four hour after which joey they all brought me under shelter.
initially they said they were at heeren where sophia is also at then i was like enthralled secretly. but they went off because of some decision. then i was a bit sian after that...
posted @ 11:06 PM
recently really have lots of happenings. take for today, i screwed up big time in the add maths paper one.
and this noon, i had a fight, but not exactly a fight, with my elder sis. obviously she wont win but i'm disinterested. so she won. today really distracted can?
yesterday my father came back with a real disappointed type of face. told me he's down with some illness and needs to be admitted. then it all suddenly seems black. though my dad doesn't really have bonds with me. but he'd trudge around the globle just to ensure of our (the whole families') well being. don't know what's his condition. currently, he's under quarantinee.
posted @ 11:02 PM
he'd have so many crushes in my life. like five to six but that's one which he met yesterday at the edge of the town (ps).
sophia's her name. and it was at the ps to mrt junction where he saw her. she was claded in a stylish but, yet, rather feminine top which covered 3/4 of her arms. and a mildly faded mini-skirt [is it mini skirt? it's a skirt anyway] revealing much of her long slender legs. ok, he's not losing it here but her outfit really left him mesmerized like each time she would even if she's in school uniform.
then joey'd told him she knew little bout her. just that she (sophia) has really broken alot of hearts.
he gasped at that sentence, breathing heavily as if the wind's been knocked out of him. his heart began to beat in the rhythm of anxiety which threatened to ease into fear. he managed to calm myself down.
but he need so very much that no matter how much he feared, it would be useless for he would never have the chance to be near her.
since that minute, he cant stop himself from thinking of her. his heart would raced to keep paced with his whirling thoughts. and his breath held with each moment passed. each time he thought of her, it'd make his heartskip a few beats. with the rate he's going at, it no surprise that he would die early of heart disease.
but deep down in him, no matter how much he liked her. how many times repeatedly he would have crushes on her, he would realised that she is... out of reach. constantly out of reach.
such a alluring but yet attractive girl would have lots of people going after her. i would just be another one and stand no chance. he cogitated with much dejection.
for he would hate this very part of him. the passive, the timorous, the dilutedly egoistic part of him. it would eternally bind his thoughts to himself, not letting any out. even if it would, it'd just be a strangled one.
he understand that preaching in his blog bout how much he felt would felt nothing at all. it'd never reach her. he wished he couldbut it's almost inpausible to let her know of his existance, not to say of how much he felt...
posted @ 10:45 AM
haha, did this quiz for fun though i'm not female. but i'm definitely not aj lah. haha
A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity.
What kind of girl are you? brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 11:07 AM
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 10:45 AM
it still seems the same. i'd feel so much each day and i would want very much to express them out. write them down.
but each time, i feel so restricted.
what does it mean for a person who's emotional to can't feel no more, a pianist who love his piano to not know how to play a piano?
initially i thought language would aid me in my quest to self discovery. but now, it's not much of a help. for it seems i can't reach it at all, reach for the secret in that tongue. is language, like the passage said, just a communication tool used by the ancients to run down animals?
guess she's right, no one would answer all those question. at least no one would want to. i'd just need to find the answers myself. even when i'm cowering in a corner, waiting for someone to help me out. [no one would...]
posted @ 2:12 PM
today, a bit dejecting. one of my friends told me to cut it. stop being childish, stop acting cute. somehow, what people says really means a lot to me.
i guess me being kiddish is something that irritates them. i originally thought, since i had closed up that part of me, i must open up another part or i'll be what i used to be, during the sec 3.
i would still recall clearly why i would wind up that part of me. it's a promise that i made to myself. one that brought about some bits of misery.
if i stop being what i am now, i would be no different from a boringly dull person. like that yingbin in sec 3...
posted @ 1:59 PM
whoa, today got a quite okay e-maths paper. didn't discuss much about it with wenkai they though. so far only realised one 2 mark mistake. aiya! other then that, i still have time to slowly check the paper. haha.
just went to different blogs i go usually. went to jiamin's one too somehow, it really sadden me to see something like this happening. for, (as i have always said) my great wish now is to let everyone around me be happy. though i vaguely knew her, but then. hai hai. sometimes, i just is too nosey a bit. got to change...
posted @ 1:44 PM
english's over and i'd find writing the narrative stuff in my blog rather helpful. haha.
but i don't think i'll score well. -sweat-
i think the rest of the exam would be more relax from now. somehow, i missed that writing style. what to do...
posted @ 8:00 PM
it's different from what i used to have. the results i meant... it used to be angst. now apathy. from bad to worse...
maybe it's just me trying to avoid the very deep part of me which caused it...
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.
What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 7:19 PM
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.
What Matrix Persona Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
hehe, never thought it would be...
posted @ 7:09 PM
Unconsciously aware that his mouth's been twitching for the last 30 second, he gazed in pure absurdity(no offends man) as tens of thousands of dreaded lines seems to appear on his forehead.
how narcissistic(zhi lian) can she(Joey) get? He wondered on an empty stomach. It wasn't barren in the first place. Until he witness the very form of narcissism. All that was left in the paunch curdled, leaving a sour ball in his belly.
but, nevertheless, Joey is one whom he likes. He won't judge her, he cogitated, at least not on that.
for he's far worst than that on a certain level. He's corny, he decided, and lame simultaneously. Not really a lot of creature can withstand the lameness of this archetype. Guess one and only one species walking on two legs can be up to the job. And that species scientific name is none other than... JOEY!
throwing his head back in a fake laughter, he too, nebulous at how lame he can get...
posted @ 5:54 PM
The sound of his heat thumping against his ribs like a fist on piano keys rang in his ear. Blood rushed into his heart with surges and tingles.
The pressure in his chest is making his head light, disabling him of his meticulous, precise thoughts.
That's how he got distraught over the disability to concentrated on this critical period.
but it didn't harass or perturb him much. What did was on why he would have the heart-racing symptom.
it would strike him so much that the cause was the blog surfing he had in the morning. Chest tightening again, he mused at the wonder it did. It'd put a mile wide smile on his flawed face.
it had been time since he last felt it. Ages to be correct. The heart throbbing experience which set adrenaline flowing in his veins. It's the feeling of having a crush. A crush on someone who's a vision, at least to him.
since it's my diary, I would fear none and say the very truth even if it means letting everyone know of my secret. He made up his mind. And hesitated no more.
that person he'd crinkle over, he announced, is. He trailed off and decided it would be more fun to keep it in suspense. Leaving an air of perplexity around this terrifyingly sensitive topic.
for he would feel so much each day. Both negative and positive temperament. With such a low level of self assurance in himself, he was never sure of what he felt. Whether it's a disillusion or an actual fact.
posted @ 11:44 PM
LOVE is your chinese symbol!
What Chinese Symbol Are You? -- Updated (7/21/03) brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 10:42 AM
You are Peace.
You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"
What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 10:38 AM
oh man, he said under his breath and let out a deep sigh, i didn't know i'm like that. bemused, he can only marvel at his separate disorders in personality.
but inside of him, deep inside, he knew that human is not perfect and he's just really lousy. that was what he thought. but it was just another excuse made to cover up human's weaknesses. all these self-denial, self deception, he decide, is making him tired...
posted @ 10:23 AM
posted @ 10:16 AM
staring at the twelve inch screen, he felt groggy. Having to rise early in the first few beams of light of the day to add his blog, he felt contented that he could finally enjoy some peace in that wavering soul of his.
he would recall his mom crankily saying. "best time of the year is during spring and greatest moments of the day is in the morning. so, it's best that you study in the morning."
but little did she know, her son had a policy in his life. that is to not study in the first few hours of his day. school's an exception though.
grinning widely, he stretch out lackadaisically like a cat on a hearth rug.
it's time, he decided, to go dig out some breakfast from the cold storage. it'd be his big day in like seventy two hours time but, yet, he would take it easily like 'everything's alright folks'.
it seems that impending doom meant nothing to him. as if the stressing system, inherited from his ancestors who ran down lions and tigers, is out of order.
for now, nothing bothered him. leaving in a blur each day would be the most joyful/ celebrative thing he could do in life...
posted @ 9:53 AM
