Write something like this..
I'm a blah yearold blah. I live in blah. I like blah. I hate bla blabla. :P
write a short biogrphy here..
put your wishlist here.. :)
like the way it lits the place slighty yellow before it starts setting. maybe that's how i feel now. slighty melancholy while it's frozen over as i stone.
listening to some recent rock songs now. to drown my feelings in it, to lose it and to leave with a dissorted feeling..
addiction still rules me. i'm still addicted to the bluey mood, cant get enough of solitude.
actually, it's constantly loneliness and forlorn..
posted @ 7:09 PM
feel so hungry can!!
yesterday had all day pulling my stomach. it's food poisoning. tummy hurts. but then, never mind coz i got the miracle medicine aka chinese medicine.
and my ahma is like--> you're having fever+ vomit, so you cant eat things other than porridge and bread.
and i'm starving now. and looking at the burger king coupons makes me more hungry. this is torture man.
ok lah, not as sadist as i am. hee.
search for jobs is still on. didnt find any so far..
posted @ 10:46 AM
mental block? or is it just the emotionally unstability which caused his lost of words? he didnt know. never knew enough to be sensible. still so navie, constantly childish too.
just the mention of her name would be sufficient to put him deep into thoughts. though it is said to be deep, but it's stuck, standing still in there. no movement, no flow of thought. just stoning.
today he would fight off his desire to call her down even when the distance is minimal. all just for his pride. a bruised one. not injuried by some barking dog but by other underlying causes.
causes and effects, he thought, are all but a part of a vicious cycle.
that's nothing he could do..
posted @ 11:12 PM
guess juli's right. guys are real poor things.
how i wished the world would be as simple as it was.
you know, i no longer like girls. no longer is heteorsexual. but i dont like guys.
just xin hui yi leng..
posted @ 10:23 PM
it has been long since i really taste solitude. guess today will be the day. later i'll do a run alone from house to town and back home. guess it still is as tasteful as ever..
been seriously emotionally unstable recently. guess mei shan and juli's right. have to do some mediation. maybe i'll just work it off during the run..
posted @ 12:40 PM
i think i'm losing it. bored until losing it. bored until i feel like cutting myself. bored until i feel like seeing blood --> a puddle of it on the floor. a thick dark liquid. one with a musky smell. one that reflect light to reveal it's darkness..
in most ritual, blood an essential element...
posted @ 9:40 PM
fruit punch. the color of red. the color of passion. the color of blood. the color i like.
blood. thick red blood. coppery taste.
i think i'm losing it. bored until losing it. bored until i feel like cutting myself.
today's 15th and yet, they haven call me down to have the payment. cant wait for the class to start, cant wait to get out of house. cant wait to find a stable job..
posted @ 2:16 PM
dont feel like naming the incident. but it gave me a glimpse of the death angel.
still suffering from initial shock of that impact, my left temple throbbed a steady beat of pain. other then a minor cut at my arm, i left the accident unscath.
feeling really beat from all those work, i melt into the taxi seat once i got onto it. it's like one in the morning then.
all i recalled was that the taxi is going quite fast. like 60km/h. then all of a suddenly, another taxi dashed out of nowhere. due to the short distance in between, the taxi which i'm in had no time to brake. during that milisecond before the collsion, i only had a chance to take a deep breath and it happen.
it did felt like bumper car but it's one which has a great retardation force. one taxi had it's side door totally crashed inwards while the other had it's front pretty hard mauled up.
it all suddenly revealed how vulnerable a life is. then, what if i didn't wear a seat belt? i'm sure the impact's force would have been enough to smash my skull.
somehow, this incident saddens me a bit. apart from seeing the lowest point a life, it also left me hollow and empty as ever. i used to have a person near my heart whom i would desire to inform when things this major happen. but now, i dont. faces and names passes through my mind. but none seems to stand out..
posted @ 1:46 PM
i don't know to start, but i feel so much now it seems unusual.
it that i just heard bout c. and j's her friend for so long. she can't be lying bout what she said about c.
she said something like she's really fussy bout things and always trying to take advantages of the people round her.
is it? what will happen if it is. initially,when i heard it, i'm like really stunned. shocked too. all i remember doing was just stoning there after which an unfamiliar feeling engulf. it just seems to give me the ability to jump out of the hyper me and into staring into space without moving me. it's really uncanny. why am i feeling all these.
then it's like the feeling suddenly diminished slowly. bit by bit. and somehow i feel a bit more like the usual me. but somehow it seems that i'm giving myself reasons to run away from all these. to give myself excuses and to repress all that i have felt. what is this? me?! don't understand why. why i'm doing all these. can't think of any reasons i would but than, i'm still doing it.
why?
is she really that of what i described? so what if it is real? am i gonna do something bout it? should i go on to be friends with her or should i just don't care?
then is she making use of me? is friends all bout it? being made use of and making use of someone. is it? i thought friends are people who are more than just that?
i'm still stoned. wondering why? questions, bundles of questions burst out in my brain everywhere and seems to fill. after which doubt is brought in. is confused the word i use to describe of what i'm now?
is it?
is it?
i wished i'd have a headache now to distract me or something like that. Pain endorsed would somehow make me feel more real. but why am i craving it? do i really need to feel that i existed?
feelings, emotions are all unidentified. but if seems to be driving me off the cliff. i really feel like mauling my hand against the wall.
hitting it, punching it.. is it emptiness, hollowness which envelops me?
the floor's wet and the sky has cleared.
moon's there. the full moon's there. shinning so brightly
looking at it soften me up but it seems to do nothing to the rage i felt inside. i'm trying to contain and trying to release. i wished i had a punching bag and i could unleash my frustration, doubts and all.
for all i can do now is to stare at the moon and let it char inside me. and wish that it'll just burn off soon..
posted @ 12:31 AM
and after so long, i finally found a way to unlease all my frustration, peh chek-ness and secondary emotions other than basketball. it's cooking.
it's weird how i found it. and now, i'm working on it. maybe i'll go check out courses which teaches cooking. (not those wu long ones at committee centres but those more official like shatec? maybe lah. but i dont think i can enter. hehe)
now, in the pot, i'm cooking carrot potato soup. sound nice?
i have always thought knowing how to cook is a curse. becoz if you know how to cook and yet no one eats, it's very chi liang wan loh. sitting there along, eating what you have cooked for yourself. hai hai~~
posted @ 11:11 AM
mood fluctuate. thoughts blocked. he would wonder why he's having these symptoms for the past few days. is it because he's thinking of someone? he cogitated.
understanding the fact that not all thing needs to be shown out on his blog, he let his languidness took over.
ok, later i'm gonna cook corn soup, he decided.
how he wished someone can enlighten him, for it seems to be dragging his moods down. feeling seriously indolent, he let himself slither on to the frigid marble floor in a liquid moment. after which he fall into sub-consciousness without a sound..
posted @ 11:06 AM
the feeling grows and fades, grows and fades. but there's one thing i'm sure of, i sense a lousily mended broken heart. one which still hurts. one which still bleeds. i feel pain as it does, i feel hollow and empty as what it felt.
but how am i going to piece it back to a piece when i failed on four person? i'm afraid i would go on to strong again like i used to. i'd fear that she would reject me like a bad blood.
but no matter what, i still feel strongly that i should at least try. dont know why, she gives me a familiar feeling as if i have met her before. it's not a lousy and overily used tactic but the truth is, she gives me a familiar feel. and somehow, i have already prepared the first few lines mentally so it gives me a fluid moment to the entrance of that tall brick wall.
been long since i felt such strong emotions. and i guess this will last for a while more.
posted @ 9:55 AM
-yawns- not that i'm bored but i'm spent loh. to like add on, my legs aching, especially my knee. it's like falling apart inside. almost die liao lah. very long didn't work so hectically.
like i always say. when i start work, i really like go on, push on, just go on without much stopping. it's like as if i have a tendecy to be workaholic. the truth is, i'm one. but not that extreme.
can like fall alseep on the cold floor now. that how tired i am. so i'll summarise what happened today.
today also nothing much. early morning go work. then like towards 2 odd, juli messaged me through her friends phone. asked of my what do you call that? i think in chinese it's zhong yin. then it's like i told them i'm going be let off liao and is going to meet her and chris and veronica.
but the kriston people held us back and i like somehow went really later. really later like 6 odd. hai hai~~ then..
yup, met them, i mean juli and her friends at heeran. they seems sian from walking around. then it's like they walked to cathay. and like decided to play pool. and i think i'm lucky loh. i get to teach play chris but it's like i blabbered alot and like didnt know what i said. anyway she like a bit clusmy. a bit funny lah. but i can say she's ok, i mean her personality. (from what i know so far.. i think so lah)
didnt really like sense the practicality juli described, so far. today also a bit hot like yesterday. the way she wear lah. today have the more formal taste. a white formal top and a skirt, but i think it's rather short. [my personality is a raher reserved one ma, so my definition is like rather different from alot of people.]
then juli's in green today. still giving me that almost the same feel. haha.
crapped alot today. and still is. now yingmin is like scolding liao. sleepy too lah. nitez.
posted @ 10:24 PM
hai hai~~ today when out with that my sis they all to find job. end up didnt find much coz i need to go fetch juli from her house [to show her mom that she's out with a straight]
in that process i did something which make me feel real guilty. i put mei shan's airplane. wasted her time when she can like go. hai hai~~ (blue's guilty isn't enough to say what i feel though the song's bout love, not friendship)
yup. went out with juli while yingmin made use of me go out with corissa. but i ok with it. dont know leh. today enjoy a day with her but towards five ending six, her face looked real bad [i meant her lian se isn't good as if she's not feeling good]
made me worried for a bit though. and of all things, she went to pick up a letter from her whatever's house (to shuan me can)!!! hai hai~~ would want to get a girl friend loh. though i may seem desperate, but, people who knows me well knows that i would prefer to let things take it's course. at least naturally.
and yup, today met a straight. i suppose. her name's christina. age 16. female (of coz). and has a crk history. seriously lah, the moment i saw her up at the top of the escalator, i got a little adrenaline added to my blood. she's quite ok looking. now, i know what it means by girls look good in mild make up. she has small eyes but it doesn't make her look sneaky or weird. and on her eyes are eyeliners, nice ones, i suppose.
has a rather bung hairstyle but it's nice [juli hair today is shuai too loh]. and has the height. like more than mei wah a bit, 164cm i suppose.
really lah, somehow, she somehow fits into my so call unoffical and unknown citeria for a girlfriend. now, i can put her into my cant-wait-to-kill list. hehehe.
bout the cant-wait-to-kill list, it something that only a few people like me, luvena, and mei wah know. i suppose. haha.
let's say the curse will go on. not that i have a major crush on her, but i have crushes on almost all the girl friends i know. like luvena, mei wah for example. but it's a tiny bit one and i'm over it liao.
-resuming on what happened today...- then it's like at six odd, both the cha bo i'm with (juli and christina), seems to be rather drained. hai hai~~ juli has a fever the day before. a bit worrying. [i always worry for friends ma] hai hai~~
dont know lah. i think when juli's ok, i'll call her out for pool. it's long since i play pool. like hand itchy liao can! some more play with juli. i think i need to like pull up my ankle socks liao.
dont know why today is in the mood to like say lots of things loh. seriously lah, if juli isnt feeling ill, i wont want to call her go play tommorrow. want to like make up for all that i miss her all together. but she's attached lah, very hard to call her out after tommorrow. hai hai~~
anyway, you all dont misunderstand can. i always miss people wan. miss mei wah and luvena too. hai hai~~ i think this holidays, i'm gonna be alone. like very alone coz call me out. -I'M JUST A KID by simple plan is playing, blasting in my ears now-
i'm just a kid and my life is a nightmare,
i'm just a kid and i know that it's not fair.
no body knows coz i'm alone and the whole world is having more fun than me.
i'm just a kid~~, i'm just a kid~~~
seem that the song pretty much apply to me. hai~
posted @ 11:27 PM
to think i have kept so many things, so many deep dark things to myself. and now...
posted @ 7:43 PM
today weather's cold. before the night fall, the clouds threatened. as they were dark and dull, just the way i liked it.
have i told you all before? i always like a gloomy sky, how it shelf the light before it storms and how it seems to attract me so much.
as i have always said, the darker the things are, the more i like it, the more i have a tendency to go all over for it. like the living dead doll. -smirks and laughed sinsterly under his breath-
just then i consulted the long shelved tarot card. used my own method to ask him. told me of a good thing. but nevertheless. it never failed to leave more questions than answers.
hai hai. gloomy days always make me feel softened up. something like a bit lethagric. and so does it to my mood. making me feel restless and calmed altneratingly. like the moon, controlling the tidal waters.
posted @ 7:32 PM
feel like going out. want to get out and have fun. desire to go buy fishball noodles, mee pok + chillie.
so sian can!
really feel like going out, so i can see see walk walk with someone i know.
so starved can! nothing to eat at home. all the porridge, apple pies, cream puffs, raisin biscuits are gone. long gone. my house got nothing to eat. like so sian can! want me to stay home but give me nothing to eat. like so what!
got haagen dazs ice cream but they're like too expensive for my taste. sian ah. eat an eleveen dollar ice cream and feel guilty? hai hai
posted @ 1:43 PM
okay, enough crapping. back on the right track.
guess there's something different today. i didn't wait like a stupid idiot at home while staring at it. instead, i went out
alone and waited for the call which wont be received. wandered round town. went cine, circle heeran twice, went round taka two times, went to paragon roof top, walked round and round, went down to ps then to bugis.
walking all alone, talking to myself. and oh, even stayed in paragon toilet more than thirty minutes. today is like monday, working day and it seems that town is so crowded like it's saturday. ok, i admit it. i used to have crowd phobia as in feared of crowds. and it seems to be working up again. then it's like putting lots of pressure on my chest when i was walking alone. wish to be away, wish to have peace, wish to be alone.
then i thought of a quiet place. paragon roof top toilet. went there, enjoy solitude for like thirty minutes and came out of it refreshed. (because i washed my face of coz) seems i'm losing it again.
hai hai, say i wont crap but i still did. today is somehow the day of truth. figured out lots of things by talking to myself and felt calm and all but the end of the day. abit lah
posted @ 10:03 PM
some people i know would keep on saying they're partially deaf. i dont understand then becoz i can hear soft music in a noisy background unlike them. until recently. dont know what's wrong with me.
it seems one of my ear isn't function. and there's a constant echo when i speak in that ear. like no sound is coming in and none is going out. very irritating. and it's like as if my ear's blocked. more than just uncomfortable.
i tried using the blow-the-pressure-out method. (becoz it'd be useful when taking a plane with constant changing air pressure due to different alleviation) it did work for a few second except that there's a sharp pain and after that few seconds, the blockage seems to be up again. cant heard nothing now. like shit!
posted @ 9:23 PM
last few days, i have been wanting to add an entry. but it seems that this heap of scrap metal doesn't like to help. neither does my elder sis who grab the com for her use only.
feel like explosing liao. all the thing bottled up and cramped in.
they say it's ok to cry every once in a while whether you're sad or happy.
no matter what, it just helps to let out some stranded emotion left in our system.
but it seems crying is the only thing i haven done in like a month on my course to free those small things from my mind.
hai hai. it seems ironic how i come to the blog everytime i feel repressed. pressurized.
dont know it's sat night or fri night that my sis called that crook. it's true that i still miss her lots and would want to talk to her and stuffs but this is just a part of me.
another part of me which fears of being hurt again like she has done before. and go back into my shell to protect myself from her lies and continue to hate her for doing it.
the both part of me conflicts and fight. giving no stop to it. though i overcomed a minor part of it to snatch the phone from my sis to talk to her but when i heard her voice, that part of me crumbled. feared. and wanted to run like a petrified little rabbit away from her, away from all these.
for this, i hate myself for being so clingy towards that small piece of memory. and now, i dont know what to do, to face which side of me. it's like a mega maze and it seems i dont know the way out.
have to admit though, my yearning to be with her is strong as if it can overcome alot of things. and it's a matter of whether i want to or not. [just the same case with hong san. except that i can overcome more in her case with lesser complications]
now i'm just confused, just as ever. and as always i wish someone can point the way for me.
that crook mentioned something bout going out to chat over coffee on monday and that's today. but i haven got any news since then. seems that she's going to put me airplanes again.
i'm lost and dont know what to do. whether to ask friends to go out with me or stay at home to wait for her phone call which will never come. lots and thousands of scenarious would pop in m brain but everytime, it's always the least wanted ones which happen. hai hai~~~
posted @ 9:48 AM
