tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59798982011-04-22T06:07:51.028+08:00alcohol..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comBlogger1151100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086794280730266022004-06-09T23:17:00.000+08:002004-06-09T23:18:00.730+08:00had a sleepless night for the last witching hour, dont think it would be different for tonight..
she knew i would hold on,
she knew in i only had her in my eyes,
then why is she doing this?
she knew it would hurt me,
then why is she doing these?
why? doushite?
it's a no..
the answer's a no..
she has no feelings for me no more..
i'm just dreaming, lying to myself all these while..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086621463810567682004-06-07T23:09:00.000+08:002004-06-07T23:17:43.810+08:00boo hoo... i told nemo that, she said i was selfish.
i told miss chin it, she said was thinking only bout myself.
is it really true that i'm that by being in that way, having that attitude..
is it?
whatever..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086444078123617252004-06-05T21:39:00.000+08:002004-06-05T22:01:18.123+08:00boo hoo hoo. SAT's a freak test. like three hours long non stop can. shouldnt have taken it in the first place.. both wasted my time and made me miss training.
training!! i wanna go!! can balance the k2 liao loh. boo hoo hoo.. blah bleah blah...
dont know since when, i started to like water pract. the training and all too.. hee.
maybe it's because it has the same effect as running and alcohol..
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086269393516203762004-06-03T21:29:00.000+08:002004-06-03T21:31:01.353+08:00I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086362055066046052004-06-02T22:56:00.000+08:002004-06-04T23:14:15.066+08:00doushite? doushite? doushite?
why? why did you come back?
after so long, i thought you're gone, gone for good.
you left me there to rot.
and now you're back. why?
why do you have to do this to me?
hurting me once and again, refusing to let me go,
told me you dislike guys.
why? why do you have to do this?
you know i like you so much, but why are you doing this to me. why?icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086186651732319992004-06-02T21:34:00.000+08:002004-06-02T22:30:51.733+08:00just made a friendster. kenna forced by sarah, but then, it's quite fun. had profiles and things all up.. yup.icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1086010436676067922004-05-31T21:11:00.000+08:002004-05-31T21:39:15.576+08:00they started on weights training today. never really liked doing weights though.
sian ah!! tommorrow have a 3½ hour pw lecture none stop..
really hitting the lows these few days.. dont know what you call it. bored or whatever. i just lose interest in things..
maybe it the effect of the anime, lain...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085926794689079002004-05-30T22:12:00.000+08:002004-05-30T22:19:54.690+08:00still got that drifting feeling, the feeling you get when you get on a kayak on a rough sea. can like sway from side to side together with the feeling. stupid and dizzy.
today rained whole day. at least until the course is over. all the way through paddling in the sea and during breaks, i'm like soaked to the bone. even when we stopped over at mac, the chilly wind persist. like freaking cold canicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085841611031864372004-05-29T22:34:00.000+08:002004-05-29T22:40:11.030+08:00behind big splash was a beach club. and when i was leaving, [it's beside the toilet]they're like opening for the night. oh man. i really miss night life.. miss the feeling it gave, the sensation produce by both alcohol and club's deafening music.
miss it! miss it! miss it! MISS IT!icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085841140284449122004-05-29T22:21:00.000+08:002004-05-29T22:32:20.283+08:00had kayaking one star course today at paddle culture, east coast.
the kayak they use (cyclone) is very different from k1 and t1 you get to see at canoeing.
it has great manoeuvrability. just a slight thrust on the paddle and some waist strength can get you slicing through the water surface.
learnt back + front sweep, J draw, classic draw, capsize rescue and all.
even had quite a few capsize drillicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085726476490887182004-05-28T14:35:00.000+08:002004-05-28T14:41:16.490+08:00today's GP very difficult. essay wrote out of point and i dont comprehend the comprehension. ironic but true.
my stomach seems to be bugging me again.
today saw alot of ij girls in town. was on the bus though.
found myself wishing real hard that i would happen to see denyse.. i didnt.
dont know lah.icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085726120102881842004-05-28T14:31:00.000+08:002004-05-28T14:35:20.103+08:00wondering if i should keep my hair short. remember how i used to vent my feeling on hair and got myself blad twice..
hai, it the other way round now. i'm keeping it long to remind myself..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085481441106024712004-05-25T18:28:00.000+08:002004-05-25T18:39:02.513+08:00bought [serial experimental lain] on sunday. watched three episode so far. all three are twisted and bloody. with sucidies and sadist killing.. and i.. have no feeling against it. as though it's very usual..
am addicted to it. guess what the teenager was right. it brainwashes people, psycho them and change them..
have been having violent visualizations and strong urges to do what it says.. as icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1085150710163772042004-05-21T22:41:00.000+08:002004-05-21T22:45:10.163+08:00i sigh, people say i'm fake. fake.. as though i'm trying to gain attention, gain sympathy.
is that the me i am?
if that the feeling i give, should i change?
what is the real me then?icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084882041126848542004-05-18T20:02:00.000+08:002004-05-18T20:07:21.126+08:00having gastric or something like that. it just hurt..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084801843802112062004-05-17T21:46:00.000+08:002004-05-17T21:50:43.803+08:00read an article on alcohol.. made me think bout denyse
it seems that in school, no matter how hard i try to push the feeling away, when i'm back home, it all came back crashing..
wonder if denyse's feeling well..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084626565838858862004-05-15T21:03:00.000+08:002004-05-15T21:09:25.836+08:00just then chris messaged me asking of how i am with denyse. it made me stone.. and i'm still..
she didnt reply. heard she's at tiong today wearing tube..
... ... ...
seems she no longer gives a damn bout me..
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084626232036795012004-05-15T20:54:00.000+08:002004-05-15T21:03:52.036+08:00did something stupid this morning. costed me to have a bloody wound which stretches from a little below knee cap to a little above ankle on my right leg.
it like bleed and bleed and bleed. the feeling's nice thought, especially when the endorphins masking effect comes in. other than that, i'm just relishing the pain..
reminds me of how it felt to self-mutilate.
this morning in school before i icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084542823931085152004-05-14T21:42:00.000+08:002004-05-14T21:53:43.933+08:00each time it's like this..when it hits me, i'd just feel like drinking..
you know, in lain, there's a machinelike substance[drug] called accela. it causes the body and brain to feel extremely simulated as though accelerating, temporary deleting the sense of time..
somehow, if accela really existed, i'd like to try it.. at least to lessen what i feel and get away from here, this world..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084541561713844742004-05-14T21:30:00.002+08:002004-05-14T21:32:41.713+08:00guess i'm not switching blog. having two blogs instead. each on different mood..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084448563825622032004-05-13T19:35:00.000+08:002004-05-13T19:42:43.826+08:00i'm changing my blog add. www.bleedingsensation.blogspot.com
changes. what does it mean? only those who knew me well would see..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1084274263512545912004-05-11T18:57:00.000+08:002004-05-11T19:17:43.513+08:00didnt know what to write..
or what to say.
only that i'm sorry..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1083847144806226192004-05-06T20:39:00.000+08:002004-05-06T20:44:06.716+08:00brought an e33 to school, didnt drink it there though.
feel like drinking now...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1083670085946258412004-05-04T19:28:00.000+08:002004-05-04T19:32:02.246+08:00just then tried buying drinks.. felt like drinking. but not successful. coz was in school uniform.
all the things seems to be coming down crashing on me..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-108350981623501242004-05-02T22:56:00.000+08:002004-05-02T23:01:16.890+08:00alcohol, chemical's struture is somewhat similiar to that of glucose.
it's what that your body burns on when you have an intake of it.
food consumed after that would ALL be converted to fats.
why is it that this liquid has the ability to intoxicate one's mind?.. and let it seems as though the pain's lessen?
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1082162307250588712004-04-17T08:38:00.000+08:002004-04-17T08:42:26.840+08:00dont know lah..
guess i'm studying outside alone today..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1081676010255879082004-04-11T17:33:00.000+08:002004-04-11T17:43:49.280+08:00this child always had a soft spot for sad story.
liked one and craved for it.
to think now he's in one once again
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1081648752471177512004-04-11T09:59:00.000+08:002004-04-11T10:05:11.793+08:00it's starting again..
the one i've always feared.
bit by bit, piece by piece, they crept in to eat me alive.
the feeling's all so familiar.
the doldrums and all.
and so it began.
this little child would press down all that he felt and for a moment, he felt better.
then worst than before..
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079958095718057732004-03-22T20:21:00.000+08:002004-03-22T20:25:00.343+08:00i dont know what to say.
what to do.
or even how to react to this.
upon hearing she's gonna get attached, i only stoned..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079945461807753242004-03-22T16:51:00.000+08:002004-03-22T16:54:25.826+08:00what's repressing an emotion?
how does it feel like to repress?
what harm would it do? and what would be left untouched by it?
with input, output is definitely. if one repress what (s)he felt, where would the output be?
on thyself? through self abuse?
or on others who has nothing to do with the matters?
if the harms are so much more greater, then why would one do so?
for the sake of others? so icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079678431372433182004-03-19T14:40:00.000+08:002004-03-19T14:43:51.466+08:00You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,you are always right at his or her heels! Yourdeep social connection with human beingsproduces your qualities of genuine caring andcharisma. However, at times you are naive tothe true nature of your loved ones. Rememberthat humans' gift of free will does not alwayslead them in wise directions. But your essenceof love and friendship represent icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079676828543132232004-03-19T14:13:00.000+08:002004-03-19T14:17:08.810+08:00but again, who am i to intervene, to know and to comprehend all these things.icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079674217114637332004-03-19T13:30:00.000+08:002004-03-19T13:38:40.263+08:00i'm still puzzled with lots of things bout crooks.
dont understand. dont comprehend.
would an individual's feelings [feelings in the case of relationship wise] for people of the same and opposite sex be altered if they mix around in crooks?
like i'm straight and take an instant that i'm female, a typical one. then i mix around and hang out with lesbians all the time.
would i, because of the icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079608636089575822004-03-18T19:17:00.000+08:002004-03-18T19:20:35.296+08:00thinking of her.
missing her.
thinking of her.
thinking of her..
just then was with her.
dont know leh, in the morning i'm like dying, whining.
but after i went to see her, i'm like jumping around, thoughts full of her.icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079582161749497392004-03-18T11:56:00.000+08:002004-03-18T11:59:19.936+08:00wishlist.
what is it for?
why is it erected?
to decorate?
to let people know what you want?
then why do people like joey puts up a wishlist?
what's the use of one when you want not people to buy what's on it?icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079581636601588322004-03-18T11:47:00.000+08:002004-03-18T11:53:00.390+08:00forging deeper into the bottomless pit, he tried to be cautious.
but he still slipped and fall face first onto the cold rocky floor
the past seems to be back to haunt him.
for it's the similiar dark, icy abyss that he fell in before.
the one that left him all alone by himself to weep and fear,
to ache and dead alone in.
light was all that he envyed in that pitch-black hole.
emotional attachmenticehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079536796505014302004-03-17T23:19:00.000+08:002004-03-17T23:23:48.360+08:00sweet talking?
what is it?
what's the use it of?
to make promises that they cant keep?
to liar extensively so they could temporarily make themself look good?
then why is it used on people?
when it is not the truth they speak, why do they sweet talk?
even when consciously, they know they're lying. why?!icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079535524515085342004-03-17T22:58:00.000+08:002004-03-17T23:11:14.216+08:00denyse's out tonite.
at zouk.
she had invitation.
wonder if she's having fun.
wonder if she's thinking of me.
and wonder if she need to sneak out of house to walk her home.
keep wondering, thinking of her..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079534689673920632004-03-17T22:44:00.000+08:002004-03-17T22:48:07.436+08:00blog?
what is it?
what is the use then?
a personal online diary?
but how can it be personal when others can access?
what's the real meaning of having a blog?
as a mask?
as an image erected for all to see and think who he is?
even when the real him isnt as projected?
friends around me use an online similiar to this. what does a blog mean to them?
and why are they using one?
a way to let people icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079494492742376482004-03-17T11:34:00.000+08:002004-03-17T11:38:09.826+08:00with the wind you would see, elusive as it would be..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079437831695256912004-03-16T19:50:00.000+08:002004-03-17T23:02:42.670+08:00what is childish?
what is the definition of it?
why is one named childish when he act in a child-like manner?
what exactly is the meaning of acting in a child-like manner then?
and what differences does it have with being childish?
can one be in a child-like manner, but, at the same time, not be childish?
what do you call a person who thinks like a matured but act like he's still in his icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079436026879156592004-03-16T19:20:00.000+08:002004-03-16T19:27:41.810+08:00DONT CARE! DONT CARE! DONT CARE! DONT BOTHER BOUT HER LIAO LAH! I PEH CHEK [INSTEAD OF PEK CHEK] HUMPF!
hao bu rong yi call dao juli to go out, she like also did nothing much. hai~ [inproductive, wasted a day]
wondering if i should tell her i found the water bottle that she wants. or should i buy it and keep it till her birthday?
shit her lah, dont treat me as a friend, i dont care liao lah.
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079362696890844982004-03-15T22:58:00.000+08:002004-03-15T23:01:31.576+08:00very shagged. not even an ounce of strength suppose me now. towards very late afternoon, me from seragoon flied down to town. met denyse. yeah!!
this is the first time i went around alone with her.
[must record down this day, 15 march 2004 ]
we like strolled from far east to wisma then to cine.
along the way, met her friends and all of them gave me that weird look. hai~
then sent her home. all icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079191041102958292004-03-13T23:17:00.000+08:002004-03-13T23:20:33.700+08:00when you're with your friends, you hide. but what bout when you're with people are as selfless as you're and they wished you would be yourself so they can heal you.?icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079108325793634852004-03-13T00:18:00.000+08:002004-03-13T23:31:59.750+08:00been really in touch with books recently. especially the ones bout philosophy and socrates.
and i've been thinking bout what's discussed in there. it all seems to be real true. though they leave me in a cycle, allowing more questions than answers, but it seems to make me feel more complete. as though i know myself a little more.
just then was at joey's house. downloaded some songs into my mp3 icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1079015900990012412004-03-11T22:38:00.000+08:002004-03-11T22:41:30.466+08:00tonite is like totally chilling.
dont know why during days like these i feel something.
something that feels like loneliness... but isnt really it.
looks like this child is far to used to warm, dry and comfy places.
slowly creeping on the floor, the icy air closes in on him. lost is all he could feel.
looking around, he saw none. all is left, is to fear.icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1078834290608829782004-03-09T20:11:00.000+08:002004-03-09T20:14:37.606+08:00oh my god!! just now at tiong saw baobei!! and even sat across her while she chatted to juli for like one hours odd can!! she's like so cute! and man, does she have a personality. oh man. oh man. and she's like so small sized. so cute.
and then her temper is just like how the horoscope described of a sagittarus. so more it's like she's always so full of things to say and is like very fun to be icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1078641313934204092004-03-07T14:35:00.000+08:002004-03-07T14:38:17.576+08:00domonic's at my house again. trying to repair the internet error thingy. hopefully it'll be solved.
back from the chalet for like not more than four hours. at it, it's all girls and me one boy. first night is crazed man--> off lights, wore lightsticks, made vokha drinks and PARTY!
following day is fun too. made a cancerian friend whom i'm comfortable to be with. warmth is felt too. her name's icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1078326938156381052004-03-03T23:15:00.000+08:002004-03-03T23:18:37.060+08:00ok. i'm out of words. just found out that denyse's staying passive.
a curse ultimately is a curse. no way it will unlock so easily.
what a wishful thinking.
but.. after so much, i still cant figure out. still cant figure out whether it's i assume i like her or i really have a crush on her.
just now was like kou hua hua. said i was thinking bout her. then confused her and left her guessing. *icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1078211998341286952004-03-02T15:19:00.000+08:002004-03-02T15:22:55.340+08:00came back, did some minor changes to my template.
and made up my indecisive mind..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1072350560267949042003-12-25T19:09:00.000+08:002003-12-25T19:09:36.560+08:00like the way it lits the place slighty yellow before it starts setting. maybe that's how i feel now. slighty melancholy while it's frozen over as i stone.
listening to some recent rock songs now. to drown my feelings in it, to lose it and to leave with a dissorted feeling..
addiction still rules me. i'm still addicted to the bluey mood, cant get enough of solitude.
actually, it's constantly icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1072234013869053392003-12-24T10:46:00.000+08:002003-12-24T10:47:09.256+08:00feel so hungry can!!
yesterday had all day pulling my stomach. it's food poisoning. tummy hurts. but then, never mind coz i got the miracle medicine aka chinese medicine.
and my ahma is like--> you're having fever+ vomit, so you cant eat things other than porridge and bread.
and i'm starving now. and looking at the burger king coupons makes me more hungry. this is torture man.
ok lah, not as icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1072019556703210312003-12-21T23:12:00.000+08:002003-12-22T14:48:10.453+08:00mental block? or is it just the emotionally unstability which caused his lost of words? he didnt know. never knew enough to be sensible. still so navie, constantly childish too.
just the mention of her name would be sufficient to put him deep into thoughts. though it is said to be deep, but it's stuck, standing still in there. no movement, no flow of thought. just stoning.
today he would fight icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071843827376012262003-12-19T22:23:00.000+08:002003-12-19T22:24:01.953+08:00guess juli's right. guys are real poor things.
how i wished the world would be as simple as it was.
you know, i no longer like girls. no longer is heteorsexual. but i dont like guys.
just xin hui yi leng..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071808851902027022003-12-19T12:40:00.000+08:002003-12-19T12:41:06.120+08:00it has been long since i really taste solitude. guess today will be the day. later i'll do a run alone from house to town and back home. guess it still is as tasteful as ever..
been seriously emotionally unstable recently. guess mei shan and juli's right. have to do some mediation. maybe i'll just work it off during the run..
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071582056904626562003-12-16T21:40:00.000+08:002003-12-16T21:41:10.396+08:00i think i'm losing it. bored until losing it. bored until i feel like cutting myself. bored until i feel like seeing blood --> a puddle of it on the floor. a thick dark liquid. one with a musky smell. one that reflect light to reveal it's darkness..
in most ritual, blood an essential element...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071468984333224402003-12-15T14:16:00.000+08:002003-12-15T14:16:37.830+08:00fruit punch. the color of red. the color of passion. the color of blood. the color i like.
blood. thick red blood. coppery taste.
i think i'm losing it. bored until losing it. bored until i feel like cutting myself.
today's 15th and yet, they haven call me down to have the payment. cant wait for the class to start, cant wait to get out of house. cant wait to find a stable job..icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071380772558048862003-12-14T13:46:00.000+08:002003-12-14T13:46:25.380+08:00dont feel like naming the incident. but it gave me a glimpse of the death angel.
still suffering from initial shock of that impact, my left temple throbbed a steady beat of pain. other then a minor cut at my arm, i left the accident unscath.
feeling really beat from all those work, i melt into the taxi seat once i got onto it. it's like one in the morning then.
all i recalled was that the icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071160283886439022003-12-12T00:31:00.000+08:002003-12-12T00:38:22.730+08:00i don't know to start, but i feel so much now it seems unusual.
it that i just heard bout c. and j's her friend for so long. she can't be lying bout what she said about c.
she said something like she's really fussy bout things and always trying to take advantages of the people round her.
is it? what will happen if it is. initially,when i heard it, i'm like really stunned. shocked too. all i icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071112264060732632003-12-11T11:11:00.000+08:002003-12-11T11:11:16.600+08:00and after so long, i finally found a way to unlease all my frustration, peh chek-ness and secondary emotions other than basketball. it's cooking.
it's weird how i found it. and now, i'm working on it. maybe i'll go check out courses which teaches cooking. (not those wu long ones at committee centres but those more official like shatec? maybe lah. but i dont think i can enter. hehe)
now, in the icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1071111992993376882003-12-11T11:06:00.000+08:002003-12-11T11:06:45.570+08:00mood fluctuate. thoughts blocked. he would wonder why he's having these symptoms for the past few days. is it because he's thinking of someone? he cogitated.
understanding the fact that not all thing needs to be shown out on his blog, he let his languidness took over.
ok, later i'm gonna cook corn soup, he decided.
how he wished someone can enlighten him, for it seems to be dragging his moods icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070934930443263962003-12-09T09:55:00.000+08:002003-12-09T09:55:41.760+08:00the feeling grows and fades, grows and fades. but there's one thing i'm sure of, i sense a lousily mended broken heart. one which still hurts. one which still bleeds. i feel pain as it does, i feel hollow and empty as what it felt.
but how am i going to piece it back to a piece when i failed on four person? i'm afraid i would go on to strong again like i used to. i'd fear that she would reject meicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070720672388919642003-12-06T22:24:00.000+08:002003-12-06T22:24:43.533+08:00-yawns- not that i'm bored but i'm spent loh. to like add on, my legs aching, especially my knee. it's like falling apart inside. almost die liao lah. very long didn't work so hectically.
like i always say. when i start work, i really like go on, push on, just go on without much stopping. it's like as if i have a tendecy to be workaholic. the truth is, i'm one. but not that extreme.
can like icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070638026712061822003-12-05T23:27:00.000+08:002003-12-05T23:27:17.560+08:00hai hai~~ today when out with that my sis they all to find job. end up didnt find much coz i need to go fetch juli from her house [to show her mom that she's out with a straight]
in that process i did something which make me feel real guilty. i put mei shan's airplane. wasted her time when she can like go. hai hai~~ (blue's guilty isn't enough to say what i feel though the song's bout love, not icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070451837229578992003-12-03T19:43:00.000+08:002003-12-03T19:44:07.286+08:00to think i have kept so many things, so many deep dark things to myself. and now...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070451143235115382003-12-03T19:32:00.000+08:002003-12-03T19:35:02.436+08:00today weather's cold. before the night fall, the clouds threatened. as they were dark and dull, just the way i liked it.
have i told you all before? i always like a gloomy sky, how it shelf the light before it storms and how it seems to attract me so much.
as i have always said, the darker the things are, the more i like it, the more i have a tendency to go all over for it. like the living dead icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070430222493673902003-12-03T13:43:00.000+08:002003-12-03T13:43:52.673+08:00feel like going out. want to get out and have fun. desire to go buy fishball noodles, mee pok + chillie.
so sian can!
really feel like going out, so i can see see walk walk with someone i know.
so starved can! nothing to eat at home. all the porridge, apple pies, cream puffs, raisin biscuits are gone. long gone. my house got nothing to eat. like so sian can! want me to stay home but give me icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070287394434046912003-12-01T22:03:00.000+08:002003-12-03T13:12:34.633+08:00okay, enough crapping. back on the right track.
guess there's something different today. i didn't wait like a stupid idiot at home while staring at it. instead, i went out alone and waited for the call which wont be received. wandered round town. went cine, circle heeran twice, went round taka two times, went to paragon roof top, walked round and round, went down to ps then to bugis.
walking icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070284995648977792003-12-01T21:23:00.000+08:002003-12-01T21:23:25.533+08:00some people i know would keep on saying they're partially deaf. i dont understand then becoz i can hear soft music in a noisy background unlike them. until recently. dont know what's wrong with me.
it seems one of my ear isn't function. and there's a constant echo when i speak in that ear. like no sound is coming in and none is going out. very irritating. and it's like as if my ear's blocked. icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1070243295765625892003-12-01T09:48:00.000+08:002003-12-01T09:48:25.346+08:00last few days, i have been wanting to add an entry. but it seems that this heap of scrap metal doesn't like to help. neither does my elder sis who grab the com for her use only.
feel like explosing liao. all the thing bottled up and cramped in.
they say it's ok to cry every once in a while whether you're sad or happy.
no matter what, it just helps to let out some stranded emotion left in our icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069942641775908472003-11-27T22:17:00.000+08:002003-11-27T22:19:05.380+08:00hai hai. today trapped at home again. originally got date with mei shan and that j girl. then meishan put me airplane to go out with her whatever but i dont blame her lah.
then that j girl says it's off. obvious she's sian liao. then i rot at home today. heng heng got my kid friend to call me down to his house to play ps. then still like real sian. told meiwah and she like ke lian wo and told icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069816762320816902003-11-26T11:19:00.000+08:002003-11-26T11:19:30.870+08:00today's the same, trapped at home coz no one called me out. cant be i go out alone to watch movie right? joey also threw me away, went to find job with jie ying. so ke lian can?! -humph-
hai hai, still cant find that crook. didn't have her contact number and all those things. i missed the time where she was around. [not say she dead liao lah, but...] she would never fail to find out how i felt. icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069482768684163292003-11-22T14:32:00.000+08:002003-11-22T14:32:55.910+08:00yeah! almost recover liao. just now measure only like 37.1°c. good thing i did or else i cant go work today. my parents are like totally hectic bout it.
later need to reach suntec marche there by 4. going for waiter training today. wenkai they all say until like this job is really hard. dont know lah.
yesterday received a message from joey, saying she saw sophia at mad monk and even got a hug icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069409932905442812003-11-21T18:18:00.000+08:002003-11-21T18:19:00.110+08:00initial fever=>39.3. current fever=>37.8°c. condition, throat infection+flu+headache.
it's really rare to find me ill, if you all know me well enough lah. still remember what i'd use to do. moan, groan, make noise just to seek attention. sometime even to the extent of exaggerating my condition.
but i know, each time i does it, i'd despice myself more, dislike too. even if the attention is givenicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069254024310171082003-11-19T23:00:00.000+08:002003-11-19T23:00:31.320+08:00nothing much in life life would stress me to the point of totally brooding over it.
it's either relationship matters or friendship ones.
and i guess i stressed myself too much today. guess i still liked school days and exams more.
guess i still liked one on one dates more. can give all the attention to that person. haha.
guess sheila still have her enlightening abilities there. haha. ok now icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069079051840475672003-11-17T22:24:00.000+08:002003-11-17T22:24:18.013+08:00 What rating is your journal? brought to you by Quizilla
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069076479834730332003-11-17T21:41:00.000+08:002003-11-17T21:41:25.766+08:00camay said she read my blog and the dream thing too.
and mentioned that it's better to keep it to myself.
but to me, blog is the only somewhere where i can reveal part of me. the dark side.
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1069076166997943502003-11-17T21:36:00.000+08:002003-11-17T21:41:53.750+08:00to think yesterday i spent more than just a few hours to do the cookies. like whole afternoon and night can?
and so, she refused receiving it.
so, she wanna play it this way is it? still clinging on to that last piece of pride. even when i left all of mine down.
if that's the way she wants it, i have nothing to say.
if i say i wont get angry, i'm lying but if i say i wont grieve over it, it'sicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068690539656840062003-11-13T10:28:00.000+08:002003-11-13T10:29:04.753+08:00Senko - "Wizard Child; Hermit Child"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net
What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068649100817577322003-11-12T22:58:00.000+08:002003-11-12T22:58:25.253+08:00today did nothing, rot at home, with the unproductive feeling that i hate.
it's taking a toil and i feel so lost, just as ever.
felt sick. feel hungry and cold.
ate something, but felt more like puking with every bite. dizzy with every vibe my emotional field detect.
guess this is what you call a somewhere near the zenith of feeling sick of living.
wish i could just leave this world without a icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068647536422940002003-11-12T22:32:00.000+08:002003-11-12T22:32:21.226+08:00why is it i felt and thoughts swarmed with each moment alone but when i'm at this 12 inch monitor, i felt repressed. emotions surpress by other feelings and thoughts blocked. it's as if i want to say of what i feel but, yet, cant express of it.
so restricted.
so repressed.
adding pressure to my chest, my emotional life. bit by bit, speck by speck.
it's as if i were so obstacle. a giant one. soicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068564372199669912003-11-11T23:26:00.000+08:002003-11-11T23:26:16.870+08:00in front of the keyboard and i have nothing to type. it's quite sometime since it all occur.
dont know why i would shed some much tears. this time round should i blame her or blame myself? should be myself... i guess i'm the root of all related problems. it's all my fault.
if only i had more self-esteem, this won't have happen.
if only i'm feelingless, nothing would have been caused.
if only, ificehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068480486075373182003-11-11T00:08:00.000+08:002003-11-11T00:11:06.486+08:00guess today i'm feeling rather melancholy and confused mainly because of a partly erotic, partly crestfallen dream i had last night. {note==> anything beyond this may seem decadent but it's my dream and i wont deny it}
i would remember that before i went to bed, joey said i would have dreams. and i did!
i recalled in the dream, everything felt so real and clear. [except that my memory betrayed icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068476818990057412003-11-10T23:06:00.000+08:002003-11-10T23:07:03.693+08:00then after that fight, i went out. hanged out studying alone for four hour after which joey they all brought me under shelter.
initially they said they were at heeren where sophia is also at then i was like enthralled secretly. but they went off because of some decision. then i was a bit sian after that...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068476543555669132003-11-10T23:02:00.000+08:002003-11-10T23:02:28.306+08:00recently really have lots of happenings. take for today, i screwed up big time in the add maths paper one.
and this noon, i had a fight, but not exactly a fight, with my elder sis. obviously she wont win but i'm disinterested. so she won. today really distracted can?
yesterday my father came back with a real disappointed type of face. told me he's down with some illness and needs to be icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068345928321196072003-11-09T10:45:00.000+08:002003-11-09T10:54:59.940+08:00he'd have so many crushes in my life. like five to six but that's one which he met yesterday at the edge of the town (ps).
sophia's her name. and it was at the ps to mrt junction where he saw her. she was claded in a stylish but, yet, rather feminine top which covered 3/4 of her arms. and a mildly faded mini-skirt [is it mini skirt? it's a skirt anyway] revealing much of her long slender legs. icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068260840722207312003-11-08T11:07:00.000+08:002003-11-08T11:07:24.800+08:00haha, did this quiz for fun though i'm not female. but i'm definitely not aj lah. haha
A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteemand people are always bringing you down forbeing sad. What do they know, anyway? You feellike youre too mature for your age and arefrustrated by the trend-followers who refuse toaccept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068259529573606992003-11-08T10:45:00.000+08:002003-11-08T10:45:33.286+08:00You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's alittle bit cocky and usually associated withevil or arrogant,but attractive people.Youprobably just don't give a damn,but it'severyone else's fault if you don't becauseyou're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068099130378817302003-11-06T14:12:00.000+08:002003-11-06T14:12:13.950+08:00it still seems the same. i'd feel so much each day and i would want very much to express them out. write them down.
but each time, i feel so restricted.
what does it mean for a person who's emotional to can't feel no more, a pianist who love his piano to not know how to play a piano?
initially i thought language would aid me in my quest to self discovery. but now, it's not much of a help. for icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068098351986625322003-11-06T13:59:00.000+08:002003-11-06T13:59:15.660+08:00today, a bit dejecting. one of my friends told me to cut it. stop being childish, stop acting cute. somehow, what people says really means a lot to me.
i guess me being kiddish is something that irritates them. i originally thought, since i had closed up that part of me, i must open up another part or i'll be what i used to be, during the sec 3.
i would still recall clearly why i would wind up icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1068097490197777732003-11-06T13:44:00.000+08:002003-11-06T13:44:53.423+08:00whoa, today got a quite okay e-maths paper. didn't discuss much about it with wenkai they though. so far only realised one 2 mark mistake. aiya! other then that, i still have time to slowly check the paper. haha.
just went to different blogs i go usually. went to jiamin's one too somehow, it really sadden me to see something like this happening. for, (as i have always said) my great wish now is icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067947248133019132003-11-04T20:00:00.000+08:002003-11-04T20:00:51.346+08:00english's over and i'd find writing the narrative stuff in my blog rather helpful. haha.
but i don't think i'll score well. -sweat-
i think the rest of the exam would be more relax from now. somehow, i missed that writing style. what to do...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067944772521862182003-11-04T19:19:00.000+08:002003-11-04T19:21:37.940+08:00it's different from what i used to have. the results i meant... it used to be angst. now apathy. from bad to worse...
maybe it's just me trying to avoid the very deep part of me which caused it...
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can beconsidered cruel and cold, but you just don'treally care about anything. This is just theway you are... you're quite a challenge icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067944189687625012003-11-04T19:09:00.000+08:002003-11-04T19:09:52.790+08:00You are Neo, from "The Matrix." Youdisplay a perfect fusion of heroism andcompassion.
What Matrix Persona Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
hehe, never thought it would be...icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067766865049996422003-11-02T17:54:00.000+08:002003-11-02T17:54:27.750+08:00Unconsciously aware that his mouth's been twitching for the last 30 second, he gazed in pure absurdity(no offends man) as tens of thousands of dreaded lines seems to appear on his forehead.
how narcissistic(zhi lian) can she(Joey) get? He wondered on an empty stomach. It wasn't barren in the first place. Until he witness the very form of narcissism. All that was left in the paunch curdled, icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067701451640343362003-11-01T23:44:00.000+08:002003-11-01T23:44:13.476+08:00The sound of his heat thumping against his ribs like a fist on piano keys rang in his ear. Blood rushed into his heart with surges and tingles.
The pressure in his chest is making his head light, disabling him of his meticulous, precise thoughts.
That's how he got distraught over the disability to concentrated on this critical period.
but it didn't harass or perturb him much. What did was on whyicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067654572109679192003-11-01T10:42:00.000+08:002003-11-01T10:42:53.843+08:00LOVE is your chinese symbol!
What Chinese Symbol Are You? -- Updated (7/21/03) brought to you by Quizilla
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067654285116527952003-11-01T10:38:00.000+08:002003-11-01T10:38:06.923+08:00You are Peace.
You are at peace with your self and the worldaround you. You have balance in your life andexude tranquility from every pore of your body.People are constantly asking you "what isyour secret?"
What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067653427629184432003-11-01T10:23:00.000+08:002003-11-01T10:23:49.623+08:00oh man, he said under his breath and let out a deep sigh, i didn't know i'm like that. bemused, he can only marvel at his separate disorders in personality.
but inside of him, deep inside, he knew that human is not perfect and he's just really lousy. that was what he thought. but it was just another excuse made to cover up human's weaknesses. all these self-denial, self deception, he decide, is icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5979898.post-1067653005778952092003-11-01T10:16:00.000+08:002003-11-01T10:16:47.880+08:00DisorderRatingParanoid:ModerateSchizoid:ModerateSchizotypal:ModerateAntisocial:ModerateBorderline:Very HighHistrionic:HighNarcissistic:ModerateAvoidant:HighDependent:HighObsessive-Compulsive:High-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11582181178727450252noreply@blogger.com